glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Randomize
