And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
