never play flip cup with pint glasses
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
