the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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