My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
