false alarm. still invincible.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
