he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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