I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
