he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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