Life is so much better after having sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize