Reggie can tackle my bush.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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