When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
