Can i not drive my cunt home
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
