Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
