sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
