Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize