come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
