Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
