One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize