my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
