i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
two words: eviction party
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
