hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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