mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
