is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
