I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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