we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
