So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
