if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize