Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
