Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want nice things and good sex
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
