My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
did you just send me my own nude
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
