I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Farmville is her only friend.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
