Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
