He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
