Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
