; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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