some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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