Will you blow on my dice?
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
