I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
