When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
