Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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