Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize