people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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