I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's never too late to be topless.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
