Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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