She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i now understand why vodka
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
