You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
