I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
