i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize