if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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