You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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