I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
