I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Randomize
