guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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