On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
