Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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