i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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