I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You are a genius and a whore.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
