We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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