I will die if light touches me.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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