Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
