Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
