it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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